I Miss That! by Meredith Dilling Mariani

I wrote this last night after a few drinks at my firepit. I tweaked it today. I hope whoever reads this, needs it. We all need to feel these things, in our own time and place.

I HATE the word widow/widower. It suggests an incredibly old, decrepit lady/man in black with a cane sitting alone to be pitied. And I AM NOT THAT. I am vibrant, colorful, and outgoing. Yes, David left me before I was ready, but he left loving me. And his leaving made me a widow. But that is it. It does not change our love or our beautiful rollercoaster of a story. Or make me old or undesirable. Or make me someone to be pitied. But it does make me lonely, wistful, lost.

I do not want to be a widow but I am. I do not want pity. I do not like the whisperings, the sad looks, the constant “are you sure you’re all right?” I do not want empty sympathy. I do not like loneliness. I do not like isolation. I want human interaction, female and male. Conversation, laughter, inside jokes. I want to share experiences, explore new places, laugh till I cry. And I want someone to do this with. A friend, a companion, a partner. I want to know I count, that I matter, that I am significant. Even desired. David made me feel loved with one look, one word, one action. Grilling a steak at midnight in case I have not eaten, buying me a gun because of a conversation overheard, telling me that whether I got the job or not-we would work it out. This all made me feel loved, needed, special, and worth it. And how I MISS THAT!

We widows/widowers are not to be feared, pitied, or looked upon with sadness. We are living human beings with feelings placed in a position that nobody EVER wants to be in. But now that we are here, we are fighting our way back from the onslaught of grief, the turbulence of emotions, the invasion of loneliness. We are pushing forward to be enjoyed, needed, loved.

And it’s a daily battle that we are tired of fighting alone.