Coping by Marshall Thrasher

Most of us are caught in a nightmare. We recognize that our past is over, we feel ready for chapter two, and then we find ourselves buried in paralyzing grief. It is difficult to see light at the end of the tunnel. We are part of a Widow/Widowers Dating group but can’t get our deceased spouse off of our minds no matter how hard we try. Haven’t all of us been overcoming obstacles our entire lives. It is part of being a human.

I am a holder. I love to wrap my arms around my wife and hold her. I get so much peace and comfort from that simple act, (ugggg) well I did. I can remember a ton of times when my arms weren't in the best location and I could feel pain and the feeling slowly leave my arm but there was no way I was moving, I wasn't about to mess up the moment just because my arm was about to fall off. I remember focusing on the smell of her hair, the warmth of her skin, the sound of her breath, and how amazingly good the rest of my body felt, other than my arm.

Here are my thoughts on coping:

1. Face It: You either want to move on or you do not. If you do not, that is cool, ignore the rest of this post. For me, I don’t have to have someone because I need my laundry done or someone to take care of my children, feed my dogs or be my sugar momma. I need to love, I need to encourage, I need to be needed, I definitely need hugs, It is a part of who I am. I can’t imagine a fulfilled life without a partner. The original flight plan is over but there are other amazing destinations.

2. Let Go: No, I am not suggesting that you never think of your deceased spouse again, that’s impossible. That’s why I am in this group, I don’t want my past to be a taboo subject for my chapter two. They will always be in your heart, they will be found in some of your thoughts, actions, and memories, and they will be seen in your children's eyes. I am also not suggesting that you act as if they never existed because that isn’t healthy either. But at some point and yes, everyone's timeline is different, the shrines to our deceased spouse need to go. It does nothing for them, they will not need the clothes in their closet. It’s like being on a sugar-free diet and putting bowls of candy all over your house. You are doomed to eat the candy.

3. Don’t Be Shocked: If you loved as I did, you are going to have days that overwhelm you. It should not be a shock to you that the smell of their cologne will bring them to your mind. Of course, anniversaries and birthdays and a myriad of other special days, smells, songs… will be difficult. These things do not have to paralyze you or remind you of your tragic loss. Don’t let them steal your present joy but let them be a reminder of how blessed you have been.

4. Enjoy The Moment: Trust me, the pain and numbness in my arm was worth it. Don’t let the past steal your present opportunity for joy. If the words of a text bring a sparkle to your heart, enjoy it. Don’t let guilt or fear keep you from opening your heart to a brand new world.