Chance by John M Walker

The day my wife went home was not only the worst day of my life but also the hardest event I've ever gone through, this is exaggerated by knowing that she was the best thing after my children being born to happen to me in my adult life.

Our year of "firsts" is also a learning curve full of equal frustration and the roller coaster of emotions causing us to be broken down to the point of needing help, though most avoid asking and crying over and over for a variety of reasons with some just being spontaneous because of memories or smell (cologne/ perfume), a song that was a favorite together or even finding a forgotten picture, just to name a few.

We feel like it's an endless amount of time that takes too long, yet on or just after the anniversary date, you feel weird that you made it, you're not sure what this emotion is but you feel strangely odd because you just crossed a threshold similar to graduating and is a milestone for us that felt like would never come. A mix of feelings surround you, by now you're finding routines and some new sense of normalcy, you may have moved and downsized, or are ready to explore new possibilities for work and even Love.

What enters your mind is the fact that you're still Loving that person that isn't here to respond to it, it didn't stop when the lid closed, and at the onset of this journey you didn't know what to do because it was still flowing from your heart and they can't receive it; you feel overwhelmed and can't breathe because it's all over everywhere and getting deeper, you fear that you could drown because it's intense and there isn't one single guidebook to be had that tells you what to do with it...

Fast forward, you are grateful for finding a strength you never knew you had, you become more than aware of how short life really is and your appreciation of it is causing you to rethink most everything very differently. Now it's time to venture down a new path and start healing in real-time and begin again. Every day you see your late spouse in some facet of what you used to do or have and smile at the memories and thank God for that Love though now you're wondering how you're going to have enough room to Love another with these feelings still lingering.

There's was no closure for those of us that had no warning sign and lost our spouse suddenly, we didn't know it was coming, we often think if I knew that was going to be the last day I would have them, you would have done everything differently and get into a spiral of "shoulda" "woulda" "coulda" that gets out of control. I'm not sure which is actually worse, knowing or not knowing??? So now that you have shed all of those tears, you realize it washed much away making room for a starting point to grow. You're excited at the thought of sharing your life with someone new, maybe the thought of someone touching you sends a shiver down your back and that's a great feeling but what next????

Everything we experienced as young adults has changed so dramatically that all of the excitement turns to fear in a hurry and now you're left depressed and disappointed because you have no clue how this works, conversations with close friends leave you confused because now you're on information overload and setbacks like one step forward and two steps back...

How did this happen In time, you take a small risk by joining a group, you pay attention from the outside looking in and read every post of frustration looking to find something to identify with, and before long, it's one after another giving you the validation you couldn't find before now, even though it was a group search away all the time.

It starts by a "like " on several posts before you get up the nerve to comment openly, the first post or introduction is finally made and this feeling of being 15 waiting for that boy to notice you or girl to look your way a second time is welling up in your throat again not to mention the nervousness of it all... Next is possibly socializing with what I'll call " friendly chatter " being social with a few of your gender equals then mustering the courage to risk liking a cute opposite's post or pic often before you start really getting brave and joining chat groups and zoom meetings.

The feeling of elation from finding the confidence to be a "joiner" is boosting your morale and feeding the empty space you were having from doubt and now you're developing control, you made the decision to take back control over your life and not let fear rule who you are or who you want to be or even be with. The learning curve you are working with is now approaching a good pace and you are learning to read mannerisms through text that helps you read the other person's intentions and you start developing your instincts before long you've engaged in several conversations with a few potential friends and your optimism improves and then comes the questions... Will you? When and where will you? When and where is good??

Then the meeting, as awkwardness wants to overrule you, you summon the strength to press on in hopes of a favorable outcome. Now what?? Maybe you have a failure? Maybe you have a few and then it happens, suddenly it happens and pleasantly surprises you by talking for hours, talking like you've known one another for years even though it's only been weeks.

By now you're overwhelmed by a different dynamic... You worry about the memory of your late spouse being pushed out but don't, they never leave and are always going to be there. You just hope this other person accepts this part of your life and will show you a deep respect for how you feel and not feel like they are competing with someone that isn't there.

My friends... Don't be afraid to take a chance, take a small calculated risk by putting yourselves out there it's a 50/50 chance they'll respond favorably and you have nothing to lose unless you sit idly by and do nothing and miss a chance that could change your life and let you live again in the sun.

Recognize that receiving a "like" on your stuff is a small step for someone trying to reach out that is shy or doesn't know how all this works, after all, you started somewhere to and we can ALL relate on some level, we don't have to walk the same path to have the same journey.

So try... Let this be the last Valentine's Day you spend alone or let it be the first you spend together staying anew, encourage and lift up your neighbors so that they can flourish too, together we can do this and no one has to suffer in silence.