Moving Forward by Christina M. Strutzenberg

I would like to share my journey through my grief, healing and accepting love again. I see a lot of posts about when is it acceptable to date again, people still in a lot of pain, and how to even start. I am hoping that this may help some of you in your journey and bring some hope and comfort. Prepare yourself, this will be long. lol.

I don't fancy myself a great writer, but I have had the desire to do this because i believe we all deserve to be happy again.

I lost my LH, Paul, June 24, 2019 to a heart attack in his sleep. That morning I can honestly say was the worse day of my life. It was the day that I realized for the first time what an integral part of my life he truly was. We had a system to life where we each contributed and I found myself lost and not knowing what to do. Simple things like taking the trash out (that was his job) seemed impossible to do.

Beyond that, the actual physical pain from the grief astounded me. How I reacted to minor things in life, I actually thought I was losing my mind. Finding fellow widows and widowers helped me see I wasn't alone and I wasn't crazy. This for me was the first step to healing and moving forward.

Even though I wasn't ready to date at the time, I joined this group because I was curious about love after loss and I wanted to see how others were succeeding with their chapter 2's. The first important thing I accepted was there is no time frame for your grief. Each journey is your own. The second thing I accepted was the fact Paul would not want me to live my life in misery. He would want me to find joy and love again. Our spouses loved us dearly and they would not want us to suffer in their memory but live and love in honor of them. Once I accepted these as facts I timidly started to try and heal myself with little steps.

I went out with friends and allowed myself to laugh and feel joy. This felt really good and when the guilt crept in I would remind myself that Paul wants me to do this.

Slowly my laugh reached my heart and the burden of pain eased. I remember the first day the lump in my throat was gone and I cried tears of joy. I ventured out to breakfast meetings with fellow widows and widowers. It was scary the first time but so worth it. I was able to talk of my loss openly and how I felt about moving forward without being judged. This is why I say it is so important that we support each other because no one understands til it happens. I began to feel that maybe I was ready to date but really wanted to create friendships first and move slowly, so I put myself out there.

This is where it gets nerve wracking and scary. Going out to create new relationships that could develop into a loving commitment. I found that trying to communicate with non widowed men was awkward and at times difficult. Now I'm not saying there aren't people out there who aren't understanding and it can be quite awkward, but I did it just the same always being cautious and observant.

I remember reading the Featured Posts and being very nervous at the suggestion of me making the first move. lol I am traditional in my view that a man should pursue a woman but I wanted to find companionship so I became a little more bold by just starting basic conversations. A "Hi" here and "How are you" there.

Now when I sent my first message to Tony, I had no conception of starting anything with him. It was a simple note of thankfulness to his dedication to the site and making everyone feel welcome and special. That led to more conversation which led to friendship. Now I always thought he was very handsome, but I never thought it would be reciprocated.

Through our continued chats I found myself very comfortable with him and I decided to just say it (after about a month of talking), and yes, I did not beat around the bush. I said boldly, "I think you are a good looking man and I like you". Those simple words created a landslide of awesome that led to us deciding to go for it. lol The love we have found is surprising and also a great blessing.

I never thought this would be possible for me with my life circumstances and taking care of my father in law, but I know now there is someone out there for all of us. It may not happen right away and they may not be close to you, but they are out there looking for you. Keep taking those baby steps. Keep the hope alive in your heart. Wake up every day and say I am worthy.

With much love for all of you, I truly hope this helps.